Got in a car accident. Cop said I was making a legal U-Turn but instead of slowing down you sped up straight into the tree. I replied I simply don’t know –it all happened so quickly. That all happened last night, it concluded as fast as it happened. Now, my mind is swept up in a flood that I can’t have nice things. If only. If only. If only. Before that I got dumped. And before that I bought things to make me feel good and now I’m looking at the financial toll it has to pay it all off. In hindsight, I wouldn’t change a thing. Because this is what I must learn to build healthy habits: when driving, just drive with music. When in a relationship don’t be interesting, be interested. When buying stuff, slow down and mentally place these things in two categories: the wants vs the needs, without cynically talking yourself out —well, we all need what we want. I simply couldn’t acquire these insights without my practice of mindfulness. Just hope these insights become quick-draw reminders of these stressful incidents. Making these consequences into lessons learned, ergo, creating healthy habits.
Wow, that’s a lot for one stretch of time. Are you okay??
I admire how quickly your mind is trying to turn this into lessons and upgrades. That makes sense. At the same time, after something like an accident, the nervous system can stay stirred up for a while. The “if only” loop can just be the body trying to regain a sense of control.
I appreciate that you’re finding insight through it. I’d just kindly add: you don’t have to extract all the meaning right away. Sometimes letting the dust settle is part of building those healthier habits too. Sending you good vibes.
Thank you for the kind words. I have a mental condition like the world has been slowed down or sped up. I tread water mentally, trying to get my ideas out while comprehending them. I’m a big picture kinda cat. That’s how my brain works. As a combat veteran of OIF I was triggered and was in a heightened state of awareness ready to fight or flight. When I wrote this, the accident happened the night before. Wanted to shout it all out into a canyon. Wanted to say something, somewhere, somehow. This place was the only logical home for it. Slowing things down is a tough practice —-maybe the whole time I’m like this. As a GenXer, I was never diagnosed to have ADD, or ADHD, or just normal because it wasn’t revealed to the world yet. I was racially profiled as ESL Learning Disabled. And been that ever since, even in college. What I know is that I’m a visual artist and writer. And that statement was a doodle of conviction. It felt good when I let it go —it always has been that way. It’s like that when I completed an oil painting or knocked out a chapter or publish an Op-Ed. All visionaries do from what research claims. Sorry, big picture again. Thank you for listening.
Hi Julius, I’m really glad you let it out here! Sometimes the first step after something jolting is just putting language to it before it turns inward.
The slowed down / sped up feeling you describe makes sense, especially after being triggered. When the system has learned to scan for threat, it can take a while to come back to baseline. There’s nothing wrong with you for that. It’s an intelligent response that once kept you safe.
I also hear how much creating helps you regulate. That release after writing or painting isn’t random. It sounds like that’s one of the ways your nervous system finds its footing again.
You don’t need to apologize for the big-picture lens. It’s part of how you process. And it sounds like you’re already finding ways to move through this rather than get stuck in it. I hope all the best for you! 
that’s a lot to carry in a short window of time. I really respect how honest this feels. especially the “wanted to shout it into a canyon” part. sometimes just saying it out loud somewhere safe matters.
one thing I’ve noticed after jolting experiences is how quickly the mind tries to build a narrative around it. lessons, upgrades, meaning. sometimes that helps. sometimes it’s just the mind trying to regain footing. neither is wrong.
I also appreciate what you said about it being a doodle of conviction. that image stuck with me. it sounds like creating isn’t just expression for you, it’s integration. and that’s a powerful thing to know about yourself.